I had to remove the poem I posted the other day. It was just too sappy for even my tastes. Besides, it really didn’t fit my current state of mind. I was just tryna have something to post.
Anyway, the other day my best friend said something that kind of got under my skin. After reading the Fear of A Committed Relationship post she commented that when I’d previously expressed this concept to her, she thought I was just saying it, kind of like I was using it as my scapegoat for my piss poor relationship rooster. It bugged me when she said it, but it really agitated me when I sat down that night and thought about it.
There is no one person walking this planet that I share everything with, probably never will be, but how was it that the person with whom I shared the most couldn’t tell if I was baring my soul or feeding her bullshit? Have I become that stoic? I thought, ‘Ok, Maybe I need to bare my soul more?’ But then I thought about the few times when I really tried to do it and in my opinion I (or whatever my issue was at the time) didn’t get the caliber of attention/support/reaction I (it) needed. Now I have to be honest, looking back on most of these things they really weren’t that major; at least not in the overall scheme of crap we deal with in life. But at that moment in time, they’d consumed me. And when I didn’t really have her full attention, my heart kinda broke a little. I guess that is what happens when people are that close to you; the slightest thing they do can break your heart or feed your soul. Luckily, she feeds my soul a hell of a lot more.
I still couldn’t help thinking if I’d altered her perception of me. Had the ‘representative’ taken over? So of course being the over analytical creature that I am, I started to think of things that needed to be change. Things about my own personality and interaction of course, because outside of changing my underwear, that is the only thing I have complete and total control over. I thought about how unbelievably different our lives are, how our paths have gone is completely different directions and still managed to end up at the same place. The more I thought I realized that I am the way I am because of my path and she is the way she is because of her path. And despite how completely different the lives and experiences have been, we are still same nine year old little girls. We each still have the same strengths and insecurities, just on a different scale. We still know precisely how to piss the other off and 2 hours later make it seem like nothing ever happened. We still compliment one another in the perfect way. We are still sisters.
So I thought if we are still as we have always been. Why change anything? Hell, she loves me for who I am, representative and all. And I her, attitude and all. Then I thought about the statement she made and thought well maybe she was trying to say… ‘Star, you are capable of choosing quality men.’ Or maybe she was trying to say… ‘Wow, you were actually trying to share something when you made that statement. I should have listened more.’ Or maybe she was just trying to say… ‘Yup, ya fucked up again.’
Anyway, the other day my best friend said something that kind of got under my skin. After reading the Fear of A Committed Relationship post she commented that when I’d previously expressed this concept to her, she thought I was just saying it, kind of like I was using it as my scapegoat for my piss poor relationship rooster. It bugged me when she said it, but it really agitated me when I sat down that night and thought about it.
There is no one person walking this planet that I share everything with, probably never will be, but how was it that the person with whom I shared the most couldn’t tell if I was baring my soul or feeding her bullshit? Have I become that stoic? I thought, ‘Ok, Maybe I need to bare my soul more?’ But then I thought about the few times when I really tried to do it and in my opinion I (or whatever my issue was at the time) didn’t get the caliber of attention/support/reaction I (it) needed. Now I have to be honest, looking back on most of these things they really weren’t that major; at least not in the overall scheme of crap we deal with in life. But at that moment in time, they’d consumed me. And when I didn’t really have her full attention, my heart kinda broke a little. I guess that is what happens when people are that close to you; the slightest thing they do can break your heart or feed your soul. Luckily, she feeds my soul a hell of a lot more.
I still couldn’t help thinking if I’d altered her perception of me. Had the ‘representative’ taken over? So of course being the over analytical creature that I am, I started to think of things that needed to be change. Things about my own personality and interaction of course, because outside of changing my underwear, that is the only thing I have complete and total control over. I thought about how unbelievably different our lives are, how our paths have gone is completely different directions and still managed to end up at the same place. The more I thought I realized that I am the way I am because of my path and she is the way she is because of her path. And despite how completely different the lives and experiences have been, we are still same nine year old little girls. We each still have the same strengths and insecurities, just on a different scale. We still know precisely how to piss the other off and 2 hours later make it seem like nothing ever happened. We still compliment one another in the perfect way. We are still sisters.
So I thought if we are still as we have always been. Why change anything? Hell, she loves me for who I am, representative and all. And I her, attitude and all. Then I thought about the statement she made and thought well maybe she was trying to say… ‘Star, you are capable of choosing quality men.’ Or maybe she was trying to say… ‘Wow, you were actually trying to share something when you made that statement. I should have listened more.’ Or maybe she was just trying to say… ‘Yup, ya fucked up again.’
But either way it didn’t really matter. The little shit never does.
