Every woman, scratch that, every person has at least one Relationship Demon. That's the one person you just can't seem to shake, past or present. It could be the infamous baby mother/father. It could be the your childhood crush that never quite noticed you. Or it could be that ex that still causes your thoughts to be scrambled. Either way, how is it that they always seem to show up at the precise moment that you have convinced yourself that your over them? In any case I came in contact with mine the other day. And what I thought I'd conquered had managed to fuck my mind up once more.
I couldn't figure it out and honestly I still can't. It really freaked me out cause in that one instant I realized just how much I missed him. I thought about all the things about him that used to drive me up a wall, but this time they made me laugh. I thought about how I lied about everything I ever felt for him all in an effort to protect my heart, but my heart was still hurting. I thought about how despite and because of the history between us the likelihood of anything ever happening is slim and I started to wonder why I would even want this man in my life. But at the same time I couldn't figure out how I could delete him. Contradictory, yeah I know. But like I said my mind was fucked up.
I realized at that very moment that I still loved this man so much that it hurt. And it shocked me cause I never even verbally admitted that I loved him let alone that the feeling still existed after all this time. Cause logically I knew I shouldn't feel this way. How could I still care for him? How could my heart still skip a beat and my lungs have problems functioning when he enters a room? I was losing it, and I didn't like it. Matter of fact I hated it. Hated that someone could effortlessly effect my emotions.
So in an attempt to gain some control over myself I reminded myself that love is a two way street and this man didn't love me. I forced myself to relive the hurt and pain. I replayed the arguments, the disagreements, the lies and the disappointments. And when that didn't work, mainly because each one was followed by a memory that made me chuckle, or smile to myself, I went home got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed something I'd never thought I'd pray. I prayed to be free from the feeling of love. I prayed that I could release all the good between us and only hold on to the pain. I prayed that somehow this person decided that we didn't need to be friends. That friendship between us was pointless and allowed me to remove myself from his life. I prayed that I could be honest with myself and not focus on what I wished we were, but except what were. We weren't good for each other.
When I finished praying, I had no peace. I knew I'd prayed for the wrong thing. So I just cried.
I couldn't figure it out and honestly I still can't. It really freaked me out cause in that one instant I realized just how much I missed him. I thought about all the things about him that used to drive me up a wall, but this time they made me laugh. I thought about how I lied about everything I ever felt for him all in an effort to protect my heart, but my heart was still hurting. I thought about how despite and because of the history between us the likelihood of anything ever happening is slim and I started to wonder why I would even want this man in my life. But at the same time I couldn't figure out how I could delete him. Contradictory, yeah I know. But like I said my mind was fucked up.
I realized at that very moment that I still loved this man so much that it hurt. And it shocked me cause I never even verbally admitted that I loved him let alone that the feeling still existed after all this time. Cause logically I knew I shouldn't feel this way. How could I still care for him? How could my heart still skip a beat and my lungs have problems functioning when he enters a room? I was losing it, and I didn't like it. Matter of fact I hated it. Hated that someone could effortlessly effect my emotions.
So in an attempt to gain some control over myself I reminded myself that love is a two way street and this man didn't love me. I forced myself to relive the hurt and pain. I replayed the arguments, the disagreements, the lies and the disappointments. And when that didn't work, mainly because each one was followed by a memory that made me chuckle, or smile to myself, I went home got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed something I'd never thought I'd pray. I prayed to be free from the feeling of love. I prayed that I could release all the good between us and only hold on to the pain. I prayed that somehow this person decided that we didn't need to be friends. That friendship between us was pointless and allowed me to remove myself from his life. I prayed that I could be honest with myself and not focus on what I wished we were, but except what were. We weren't good for each other.
When I finished praying, I had no peace. I knew I'd prayed for the wrong thing. So I just cried.
