When I’m emotional I shower. Whether its sadness, nervousness, anger, fear or whatever if I’m emotional. I will turn off the lights, light a few candles and head for the shower. I’m not sure what about it relaxes me. Don’t know if it’s the steam, the solitude of the darkness or the flicker of the small lights but when I’m emotional, I shower. Repeatedly. And I think. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. At times I have actually sat on the floor of the shower and just breathed.


Tonight I showered and realized how angry I am. I am so very angry. There is some much anger brewing inside me that it scares the shit out of me. Honest to God, it scares me. Not because I think I’m at risk for doing something harmful to myself or someone else but because I’ve seen what that kind of unacknowledged anger can do to a person’s soul. It dismantles it. The thought of soul being damaged in that way scares me. But I’m overwhelmingly angry and it’s such an unfamiliar emotion. I’ve dealt with disappointments. I’ve mastered loneliness. I’ve surmounted sadness. I’ve even overcome some heartbreak. They’re all relatively easy, but this anger, it’s consuming in a devilish kind of way.

I’m angry about every moment of disappointment, loneliness, sadness and heartbreak. I’m angry because I cant seem to cry enough tears to feel better. I cant smile enough for the joy to reach my heart. I cant seem to pull any more optimism out of my ass to get me over this hump. I’m angry because for the first time in my life, I actually feel sorry for myself. I’m angry because I’ve got more submissions of pain and not enough sources for joy.

I have to fix this soon cause its destroying me. I can feel little pieces of myself falling away. Disintegrating.