Thursday, March 24, 2005

My Triangle

Nowadays relationships seem so hard, romantic or platonic, so you can consider yourself really lucky in life if you manage to have one true friend. You know the type of person that from the moment you met them was your ace. The type of person for whom you’d kick a stranger’s ass and ask questions later. This is the person who when you tell them everything is fine, they respond with ok, but sit patiently and silently for you to tell them what is really going on, cause they know your spirit isn’t at ease. Basically the type of person who couldn’t be closer to you if ya’ll shared identical DNA. If you get one of these in life your lucky, should you mange to get two-consider yourself blessed. And guess what folks? I am blessed.

My premiere triangle of friendship felt complete for the first time in years this past weekend. Obviously, there are three of us: Kim, Meli and myself. Each of us is completely different from the other two and we are all differently incomplete without each other. Weird, but it works for us or at least it has for the past 18 years. Anyway, Meli, who still lives in Baltimore (and we are still trying to figure out why), made one of her bi-annual trips to Atlanta this past weekend. As excited as we all were before she got here, I think we were all a little anxious to see when the beef would start. Let me explain, despite the love and respect we hold for each other whenever the three of us get in the same space for extended periods of time, it can be dangerous, lethal and sometime volatile. At least two of us are bound to get into an argument, disagreement or (the usual) a shouting match.

The scenario would always go like this: chick # 1 gets offended by something chick # 2 says, chick # 2 responds with ‘why are you tripping, I didn’t mean it like that’, # 1 says ‘yeah whatever, ________(insert, Bitch, Yo or the actual name) you knew what you were saying’, chick # 3 rolls her eyes and says to herself ‘here we go with this shit again’. Meanwhile chicks # 1 & 2 are now in a full-fledged semi ghetto-girl shouting match, while any outsiders in the room are looking at chick # 3, who by now has picked up a drink, and asking her ‘are they for real?’ she typically responds with a shoulder shrug and ‘yeah man this always happens.’ As the argument continues and becomes more heated one the outsiders attempts to intervene, only to have all three woman turn to him/her and state ‘Yo, you don’t know what’s going on so just stay the fuck out of it’. By now the argument consists of mainly statements like, ‘whatever, I’m so tired of her shit’ or ‘man, it’s always the same bullshit with her.’ All of which is directed toward chick #3, who consistently responds to both parties with ‘Yeah, yo but you know that is how she is, so why you trippin?’ (now keep in mind the ‘shit’ and ‘bullshit’ being referred to has never actually been identified) After about 5-7 minutes of this, both parties go to separate areas and chick # 3 then equally divides the next ten minutes between the two talking some sense into each. She can usually do this by making one of two statements. The first being ‘Look, you know we don’t get a chance to get together that much. So let that shit go. Alright, so she pissed you off. Big Deal. You got that shit off your chest, right? So we good, lets go back and chill out.’ Or there is the ‘guilt trip statement’ which usually is a variation of, ‘Ya’ll get on my fucking nerves. Every time we get together we got to go through this shit. I’m fucking tired of this shit. We have been doing the same shit since we were kids and I am sick of this shit.’ Now this statement usually results in chicks # 1 or 2 apologizing to chick # 3, because surprisingly, we can’t stand to see each other upset. No matter which statement is used, ultimately we all end up in the same room again. Chicks # 1& 2 are sitting on opposite sides of the room shaking their heads, looking at each other, each making the statement, ‘Yo, you really get on my nerves’. This goes on until one of us asks the question ‘What were we beefing about?’ Nine times out of ten, no one can remember. So we end up laughing and saying, ‘Yo, we are really stupid.’ At this point one of outsiders looks at us like we are crazy and says, ‘Ya’ll really do go through this all the time, huh? We look at each other laugh and say, ‘Yeah, this is our norm.’ After that, everything falls right back into place.

For 18 years this scenario has been inevitable. That is until this past weekend. For the first time in forever, my triangle got together without any friction. And it was perfect. Financial problems didn’t matter. Men were an afterthought. Attitudes were non-existent. We were cohesive, functioning and pretty darn loving. If only I could find away to make it like that always, I’d be one happy black child.


Some people have that uncanny ability to piss you off, but in spite of how angry they may make you, nothing they do could ever offend you. Largely, because you know their soul and understand their words and actions don’t always reflect that soul. That is how my triangle makes it work. We know each other’s soul. To me, that is how you know the person is a true blessing.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Relationship Demons

Every woman, scratch that, every person has at least one Relationship Demon. That's the one person you just can't seem to shake, past or present. It could be the infamous baby mother/father. It could be the your childhood crush that never quite noticed you. Or it could be that ex that still causes your thoughts to be scrambled. Either way, how is it that they always seem to show up at the precise moment that you have convinced yourself that your over them? In any case I came in contact with mine the other day. And what I thought I'd conquered had managed to fuck my mind up once more.

I couldn't figure it out and honestly I still can't. It really freaked me out cause in that one instant I realized just how much I missed him. I thought about all the things about him that used to drive me up a wall, but this time they made me laugh. I thought about how I lied about everything I ever felt for him all in an effort to protect my heart, but my heart was still hurting. I thought about how despite and because of the history between us the likelihood of anything ever happening is slim and I started to wonder why I would even want this man in my life. But at the same time I couldn't figure out how I could delete him. Contradictory, yeah I know. But like I said my mind was fucked up.

I realized at that very moment that I still loved this man so much that it hurt. And it shocked me cause I never even verbally admitted that I loved him let alone that the feeling still existed after all this time. Cause logically I knew I shouldn't feel this way. How could I still care for him? How could my heart still skip a beat and my lungs have problems functioning when he enters a room? I was losing it, and I didn't like it. Matter of fact I hated it. Hated that someone could effortlessly effect my emotions.

So in an attempt to gain some control over myself I reminded myself that love is a two way street and this man didn't love me. I forced myself to relive the hurt and pain. I replayed the arguments, the disagreements, the lies and the disappointments. And when that didn't work, mainly because each one was followed by a memory that made me chuckle, or smile to myself, I went home got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed something I'd never thought I'd pray. I prayed to be free from the feeling of love. I prayed that I could release all the good between us and only hold on to the pain. I prayed that somehow this person decided that we didn't need to be friends. That friendship between us was pointless and allowed me to remove myself from his life. I prayed that I could be honest with myself and not focus on what I wished we were, but except what were. We weren't good for each other.

When I finished praying, I had no peace. I knew I'd prayed for the wrong thing. So I just cried.

Friday, March 04, 2005

It Ain't Broke..

I had to remove the poem I posted the other day. It was just too sappy for even my tastes. Besides, it really didn’t fit my current state of mind. I was just tryna have something to post.

Anyway, the other day my best friend said something that kind of got under my skin. After reading the Fear of A Committed Relationship post she commented that when I’d previously expressed this concept to her, she thought I was just saying it, kind of like I was using it as my scapegoat for my piss poor relationship rooster. It bugged me when she said it, but it really agitated me when I sat down that night and thought about it.

There is no one person walking this planet that I share everything with, probably never will be, but how was it that the person with whom I shared the most couldn’t tell if I was baring my soul or feeding her bullshit? Have I become that stoic? I thought, ‘Ok, Maybe I need to bare my soul more?’ But then I thought about the few times when I really tried to do it and in my opinion I (or whatever my issue was at the time) didn’t get the caliber of attention/support/reaction I (it) needed. Now I have to be honest, looking back on most of these things they really weren’t that major; at least not in the overall scheme of crap we deal with in life. But at that moment in time, they’d consumed me. And when I didn’t really have her full attention, my heart kinda broke a little. I guess that is what happens when people are that close to you; the slightest thing they do can break your heart or feed your soul. Luckily, she feeds my soul a hell of a lot more.

I still couldn’t help thinking if I’d altered her perception of me. Had the ‘representative’ taken over? So of course being the over analytical creature that I am, I started to think of things that needed to be change. Things about my own personality and interaction of course, because outside of changing my underwear, that is the only thing I have complete and total control over. I thought about how unbelievably different our lives are, how our paths have gone is completely different directions and still managed to end up at the same place. The more I thought I realized that I am the way I am because of my path and she is the way she is because of her path. And
despite how completely different the lives and experiences have been, we are still same nine year old little girls. We each still have the same strengths and insecurities, just on a different scale. We still know precisely how to piss the other off and 2 hours later make it seem like nothing ever happened. We still compliment one another in the perfect way. We are still sisters.

So I thought if we are still as we have always been. Why change anything? Hell, she loves me for who I am, representative and all. And I her, attitude and all. Then I thought about the statement she made and thought well maybe she was trying to say… ‘Star, you are capable of choosing quality men.’ Or maybe she was trying to say… ‘Wow, you were actually trying to share something when you made that statement. I should have listened more.’ Or maybe she was just trying to say… ‘Yup, ya fucked up again.’

But either way it didn’t really matter. The little shit never does.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

I Am 26 Years Old Now!

February 27, 2005, my very own little holiday, has come and gone. Wow, 26 years old. This birthday was pretty darn good. I was really blessed to share it with 90% of the people who are truly important in my life. I really wish I had tons more to say on this topic, but I don’t. It was just an all around great day spent with great people and I am very grateful. Heck, I wish I could have a day like this once a month. That would definitely be a surefire way to keep my spirits up all year around.

I am actually pretty content with myself right now. Mentally and emotionally I am in an unbelievably awesome place. It just makes me smile. Financially and spiritually, there is improvement need. But I know what needs to be improved and have devised a way to do it, so that doesn’t even bother me.

Well that is really about all. I guess this is the first entry with completely random thoughts. Ah well, it feels good. And I learned sometimes you have to do what feels good and not worry about how it looks or in this case reads.