Monday, March 22, 2010

Truth is...

In the spirit of being all open and honest and shit. I'm going to tell the truth about somethings.

Truth is...


.....I'm lonely. And not that kind of lonely that hanging with the girls or being around family can cure. I'm that Stephanie Mills, 'Comfort of A Man' kind of lonely. I miss not just having a man around but being connected to him.

....I'm not angry or pissed that a good friend blew off my birthday this year. I'm hurt. And it sucks because I'm not really that surprised that this friend hurt me...again.

....Although I'm happy for him, it tickles me when my former's friends pull me aside to say they wish he and I could have worked better.

....I'm 31 and I've got a crush. Dont. Judge.Me! It keeps me youthful, lol.

....I liked him. But his family annoyed the hell out of me. Of course that had to end.

....I've used the 'Where are we going-I need a commitment' method whenever I'm not sure how to end it with a dude. Works like a charm everytime, although I've had to force some tears on occassion.

....Going back to corporate America scares the shit out of me. I think if I do it, I'll somehow end up stuck there for the next 15-20 years. I'll look  up one day and be one of those people I said I'd never be talking about the woulda, coulda, shoulda's of life.

And that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Quit Ya Lying...

I'm a liar. Better yet...I'm full of shit. I used to really love writing in this blog. It was great therapy and some of the best vent sessions I'd ever had. Then I stopped. The stopping wasnt the worst part. The worst part of it all was that I lied about why I stopped.

'I'm uninspired.'
'I've got a lot going on right now.' 
'Nobody is even reading that thing.'
'Cant find anything really worth writing about.'

All some of the canned answered I had prepared for when folks would ask me why I hadnt updated in awhile. And each and every one of them was a bunch of bullshit. Truth be told...I stopped writing, because people started reading. Makes no damn sense, right? I mean isnt that the purpose of having a damn blog or even the goal behind creating in general? You write, sing, paint, create so someone can read it, hear it, see it, enjoy it and be inspired. Nothing validates an artist (of any kind) more than knowing their self expression triggered something in someone else. Those are the moments when the fog disappears and you realize the emotions behind your creativity are normal and so are you. And those moments were awesome! But along with them came the realization that my deepest most inner thoughts were not out in the world. They were no longer mine. Someone else not only knew about them, but fully understood them because I'd put in writing the who, what, when, where and why. It felt like I was slowing drawing a road map to my soul and that petrified me.

But I realized this week, I miss my little piece of cyberspace. I miss expressing myself like this. I miss composing the insane thoughts that go through my head. I miss using this space to release some heartache. I miss telling no one inparticular my opinion on nothing inparticular. So I'm going to start writing here more often and I'm going to do so honestly. When I knew all my friends and family were reading this I found myself censoring myself, which took most all the pleaure out of it. But this time I'm going to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, for the reasons I want to say it. Because this is my little piece of cyberspace and I can do that. (Besides I think its been so long since I put anything over here, most of my friends and family have forgotten it even exists, lol)

So to my friends and family:
  1. If you stumble across this blog and like what you read, keep it to yourself! Knowing you're reading may cause me undue pressure to be interesting and witty. Who needs that?
  2. If you stumble across this blog and you dislike what you read, keep it to yourself! Post a comment if you like, but dont call or email me about it. If I wanted your opinion I would've sent you a copy in email before I posted it.
  3. If you read something on here and you think I'm talking about you..I probably am. Deal with it on your own. I have.
  4. If your feelings get hurt by something you think is about you...stop reading. I will be ok with that.
  5. If you continue to read this please know this little piece of cyberspace is for me not you! I owe you nothing!
I'm excited to be back. I cant wait to entertain the two or three folks who might still be reading this thing. But if its just me, I'm perfectly ok with that too.