Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Opened & Ended

If I don't let this out I may explode
Dear You,
I have been trying for the longest to figure out the best way to do this and I keep coming up short. My heart hurts like hell. And I have to figure out how to make it stop. So I can get closure and move on. Honestly I wish I didn’t have to move on because for the first time, I saw things in me that I didn’t know existed and I saw who I could become and it was all because of the man you are and that you decided to share that with me. But now that that is not the case anymore, it is hard. I can hardly breathe most days because the idea of not having you in my life is really hard to swallow. But I think I am finally realizing that as much as I would rather not ever have to deal with getting over us, I have no choice but to start to work toward moving past all of this.

In my heart I know you still love me. From day one I never doubted that. I think I knew you loved me before you knew it. However as much as I know that I also have to accept that you are making/have made a choice not to be with me anymore. I have to be honest and tell you that I will never fully understand it but I will force myself to accept it. But in order to do that I have to release some things otherwise they will eat me up for the rest of my life. So here goes…

Once after an argument, we talked about the things we feared. You told me you worried about being completely honest with me about your thoughts or decisions for fear that I would shut you out or leave you if I disagreed. I promised you then that my love would always be unconditional, nothing you said or did would ever make stop loving you. I would express how I felt but I would never shut you out or dessert you. I feel like I have done a pretty good job of that. During that same conversation, I told you I feel like everybody I have ever known has used me in some way, shape or form, whether it was for sex, money, emotional support or whatever. The very next time you got mad at me you said, ‘I don’t give a fuck, I was just using your ass anyway’. Man, I felt like somebody punched me in the chest. I remember having to pull over on the side of 285 to catch my breath. But I have always been one that doesn’t look at what people do/say so much as WHY they do/say certain things. I figured you were hurt and knowing you the way I do that was your best defensive mechanism. So I chalked it up and moved on. But I have to tell you that hurt me so bad.

Second thing, I absolutely fell in love with your family. After meeting your Dad I understood your sometimes intense need to take care of me. I loved/viewed your siblings as if they were my own little brother and sister. (your little cousin too) And your mother well, I can honestly say I am so very thankful for any relationship/interaction she and I had. I learned things from her that I don’t think my own mother could have ever taught me. (including how to make my relationship with my own mother a better one). I understand how important your relationship is with your family and how much you value it now that it has gotten better. Heck I remember the nights we talked about what you needed to do to improve the relationships you had with each of them. Knowing this and seeing you go from one end to the other I would never, ever do anything that I felt would endanger that for you. With that being said, I feel/felt like you threw me under the bus where they were concerned. You’ve admitted to me that you’ve lied, told half truths and exaggerated a lot of the things that went on between us. That burned like crazy because I would never think about doing something like that to you. To tell you the truth none of my friends/family fully knows about anything that went on between us. I would never share that with them because it isn’t any of their business. Be it good or bad. Even when you told me your mother told you it was me or them. I never, ever wanted you to have to make that choice, so I agreed to walk away. And you told me to wait and promised that you would find a way to work it out. You never did and I never mentioned it again.

My last major point-The only thing I ever asked you to do was to promise me that you would not just walk away again. That when things got tough or confusing that you would not just leave me. Even if it was a voice message, text message or note saying ‘I can’t do this, I need to be away’. I always told you that is enough for me. Just don’t leave me hanging out there. Allow me to have faith in your word. That was the only thing I ever asked and you promised me that and I honest to God believed you which is why I was able to be vulnerable and love you as hard as I do. I believed that no matter what you would always follow through. More than anything else (including the things I have already mentioned) that is what causes/caused me the most pain.

If I ever fell short is showing you my love. Forgive me. I didn’t mean it. Loving like this is new to me and like everything else in life I had to learn how to do it well. I know I have never been the most vocal and emotional person, but my intent was always to love you as hard I knew how. And maybe it wasn’t always picture perfect, but please know that I always, always did it with the best intentions and with all that I had in me. I really honest to God tried and I am so sorry I failed both you and myself.

I think I have gotten it all out. Just know that I love you and always will. But I finally feel like I have to learn to accept my life without you. It is funny because before you I felt like I knew myself, where I was going with my life, like I was complete and content. But now I have to figure out how to do this without you and I am not really sure I can. I am going to try because I know I have to, but I really don’t know if I can do this. My concept of reality has really been screwed now. I really felt like this thing was real and was a connection I could finally put both faith and trust in. And to now be faced with accepting that that isn’t the case at all is unnerving.

And I know you always think I have some ulterior motive but that is not the case here. I just needed to find a way to get my closure on my own since you refused to have that talk with me.

I will always love you, it is just that now I understand that I can’t hold onto you when you clearly want to be let go.

I’m sorry.