Everything we do is supposed to be a learning experience, right? We endure life’s joys and its crap so we can learn some elusive lesson and become prepared to defeat similar situations in our futures. Or at least that is how it is suppose to be, right?  Right! But the truth of the matter is we often don’t operate like that. We repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we are tired of being tired and even then we don’t really learn the lesson we just figure out a way to take the same fucked up ass behavior and apply it to another situation. Prime example, a woman finds herself dating and trying to fix the same kind of emotionally retard asshole and over and over again. After the third guy in a row she decides, she is going to take a break from men because she doesn’t want to have to repair this same motherfucker again. But does she take that time to learn more about herself; her desires, her needs, her loves, her loathes? Fuck no! She ends up subconsciously throwing herself into repairing her emotionally retarded and stunted friends. She takes the time the universe gave her for herself and willingly hands it over others. She never addresses her innate need to make everyone and everything ok. She fails to see that her willingness to be everyone’s fortress is simply a distorted application of her need for human attention and acknowledgement. She completely misses the lesson and in turn takes the same fucked up ass behavior and applies to all the other situations in her life. No matter how many times she is taught..she just never learns.

I am realizing there are several lessons life has actually taught me on multiple occasions, that I have never really learned. Life has taught me over and over again that not succeeding is not always failing. Yet I curse myself out every time I don’t immediately reach a goal or milestone. I have sat through the course on self-fulfilling prophecies I don’t know how many times, yet I still say things out of my mouth that don’t necessarily speak greatness into my own life. I know that every single one of those wonderful moments, the ones that cause our souls to sing, is a result of making it out of the painful ones that made our souls to scream. But those painful ones still hurt like hell and somehow each one just a tad bit more than the last. I know there will be times when I desperately need the people I love most in the world and they wont be available, yet my heart breaks a little every time it happens. Life has taught me to predict when folks will throw rocks at the things I try to build, but somehow I’m always surprised by the impact of the hit and how fragile it makes me feel. Countless times I’ve had pieces of my spirit extracted after I’ve shared my most intimate fears with someone who later decides I’m not even worth a returned phone call.

I know these pains all too well. I’ve put myself through these emotional lectures enough times. I will not do it again. Some things have got to change. So some things have simply got to come to an end. In 2012, I’m starting with these lessons first.