When I’m emotional I shower. Whether its sadness, nervousness, anger, fear or whatever if I’m emotional. I will turn off the lights, light a few candles and head for the shower. I’m not sure what about it relaxes me. Don’t know if it’s the steam, the solitude of the darkness or the flicker of the small lights but when I’m emotional, I shower. Repeatedly. And I think. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. At times I have actually sat on the floor of the shower and just breathed.
Tonight I showered and realized how angry I am. I am so very angry. There is some much anger brewing inside me that it scares the shit out of me. Honest to God, it scares me. Not because I think I’m at risk for doing something harmful to myself or someone else but because I’ve seen what that kind of unacknowledged anger can do to a person’s soul. It dismantles it. The thought of soul being damaged in that way scares me. But I’m overwhelmingly angry and it’s such an unfamiliar emotion. I’ve dealt with disappointments. I’ve mastered loneliness. I’ve surmounted sadness. I’ve even overcome some heartbreak. They’re all relatively easy, but this anger, it’s consuming in a devilish kind of way.
I’m angry about every moment of disappointment, loneliness, sadness and heartbreak. I’m angry because I cant seem to cry enough tears to feel better. I cant smile enough for the joy to reach my heart. I cant seem to pull any more optimism out of my ass to get me over this hump. I’m angry because for the first time in my life, I actually feel sorry for myself. I’m angry because I’ve got more submissions of pain and not enough sources for joy.
I have to fix this soon cause its destroying me. I can feel little pieces of myself falling away. Disintegrating.
In the spirit of being all open and honest and shit. I'm going to tell the truth about somethings.
In exactly 30 days I turn 30 years old. I am so fucking excited. A lot of folks I know are freaking out about 30, but for some reason I am not. It might be because I always look forward to celebrating my bday. So to honor my 30 wonderful years, I have decided to make a post for 30 days straight! I know, I dont believe the shit either.
I figured I would start with this list I recently added to my facebook page. I didnt realize I was so dayum cryptic to those close to me. My oldest friend in the world didnt know have of the shit on my list. (Sorry Wee!) The list was originally 25 things, but I added five more for symbolic effect.
1. I recently found out that due to a clerical error my father and I may have the wrong last name.
2. Up until my sophomore year in college I wanted a career in politics. Many of the things I did freshman year killed that dream, lol
3. I prefer to date men who are much smarter than I. Nothing like someone who can make you better.
4. My biggest heartbreak didn’t come from a dude, it from a friend accusing me of betraying their trust. Unreal pain folks.
5. I am so grateful I was picked on and bullied ALOT as a kid. I don’t thing anything else could have made my skin this thick.
6. As much shit as I talk sometimes, my Daddy can bring the punk right up out of me by simply calling me his Babygirl.
7. The day I graduated from college, was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life.
8. One of the reasons I never finished my book was because too many people snuck a peek at the first few chapters and told me how much they were looking forward to reading the rest of the story. Too much pressure!
9. I can’t stand for people to make things easy for me. I feel like it is nothing but pity and charity. It pisses me off.
10. I finally purchased an iPod 2 months and still haven’t figured out how to work iTunes. So I repeat the same fucking 137 songs.
11. Seeing my name in print turns me on. This is probably the best testament to my vanity. *sigh*
12. I hate wearing tennis shoes and try not to buy more than one pair every 12 months. They damn things hurt my feet.
13. I don’t care how hot or cold it is outside, I will not and can not sleep without socks and a blanket. It just won’t happen.
14. I want to learn to play the drums. I have always thought it was the sexiest instrument a woman could play.
15. I failed my driving test 2 times. The third time I said fuck it and wore a low cut tight t-shirt and a short skirt. A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.
16. I can’t stand for a kitchen cabinet, closet door or shower curtain to be open. I have turned my car around and driven back to the house to shut the kitchen cabinets before. It is my only OCD offense
17. I hate cleaning. HATE IT! I find it mind numbing. I would choose cooking, laundry and working out over cleaning any day.
18. All my life my mother has called me Queen. It has been used as both a compliment and an insult. Prime example, ‘Oh no this Queen did not take her butt to sleep and not finish the dishes.’ Or ‘Get it, Queen you are wearing that dress, honey.’ Now that I think about it, it was probably her substitute for bitch all these years.
19. Sometimes I curse and yell for the sake of cursing and yelling. I have done this all for as long as I can remember. My friends and family no longer even notice it.
20. I think every woman should shoot a gun, ride a motorcycle, take a pole dancing class, wear a wig, build something on her own, go out to dinner alone, own a pair of 4 inch heels and have one secret that no one else on the planet knows.
21. All of the women in my family have sisters. Their bond is amazing. Sometimes I am envious of that connection.
22. The most romantic thing any man has ever done for me was listening to me. He didn’t say a word; he just sat there and listened. I am usually the one doing the listening to everyone else around me.
23. As a kid, I had an army of miniature Smurfs. Next to my Tonka truck and Ryder Red Wagon they were my absolute favorite toys.
24. My very first babysitter and her kids used to call me Tuga. My first boyfriend gave me that same exact nickname. I never told him about that and always wonder how he picked that name out of every nickname on the planet.
25. If I could have pursued one other career it would have been acting. I think it would be amazing to get paid well
26. I have sleeped walked all my life. Crazy thing is all I ever do is go to the kitchen and get something to drink. I usually wake up with 2-3 cups on my bedside.
27. My grandparents have been married for 62 years. Although it amazes me, I often wonder if either of them has ever cheated. I wonder, but I honestly dont want to know the answer.
28. When I have kids, I want to have twins. They run though my family like water.
29. Most people complain about their high school years, but my time at Western was some of the greatest years of my life! Only The Best!
30. I dont know how to swim, but I still want to learn. Hmm, I might add this to my To Do List for my 30th year.