30 Things--All Totally Random

In exactly 30 days I turn 30 years old. I am so fucking excited. A lot of folks I know are freaking out about 30, but for some reason I am not. It might be because I always look forward to celebrating my bday. So to honor my 30 wonderful years, I have decided to make a post for 30 days straight! I know, I dont believe the shit either.

I figured I would start with this list I recently added to my facebook page. I didnt realize I was so dayum cryptic to those close to me. My oldest friend in the world didnt know have of the shit on my list. (Sorry Wee!) The list was originally 25 things, but I added five more for symbolic effect.

1. I recently found out that due to a clerical error my father and I may have the wrong last name.

2. Up until my sophomore year in college I wanted a career in politics. Many of the things I did freshman year killed that dream, lol

3. I prefer to date men who are much smarter than I. Nothing like someone who can make you better.

4. My biggest heartbreak didn’t come from a dude, it from a friend accusing me of betraying their trust. Unreal pain folks.

5. I am so grateful I was picked on and bullied ALOT as a kid. I don’t thing anything else could have made my skin this thick.

6. As much shit as I talk sometimes, my Daddy can bring the punk right up out of me by simply calling me his Babygirl.

7. The day I graduated from college, was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life.

8. One of the reasons I never finished my book was because too many people snuck a peek at the first few chapters and told me how much they were looking forward to reading the rest of the story. Too much pressure!

9. I can’t stand for people to make things easy for me. I feel like it is nothing but pity and charity. It pisses me off.

10. I finally purchased an iPod 2 months and still haven’t figured out how to work iTunes. So I repeat the same fucking 137 songs.

11. Seeing my name in print turns me on. This is probably the best testament to my vanity. *sigh*

12. I hate wearing tennis shoes and try not to buy more than one pair every 12 months. They damn things hurt my feet.

13. I don’t care how hot or cold it is outside, I will not and can not sleep without socks and a blanket. It just won’t happen.

14. I want to learn to play the drums. I have always thought it was the sexiest instrument a woman could play.

15. I failed my driving test 2 times. The third time I said fuck it and wore a low cut tight t-shirt and a short skirt. A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.

16. I can’t stand for a kitchen cabinet, closet door or shower curtain to be open. I have turned my car around and driven back to the house to shut the kitchen cabinets before. It is my only OCD offense

17. I hate cleaning. HATE IT! I find it mind numbing. I would choose cooking, laundry and working out over cleaning any day.

18. All my life my mother has called me Queen. It has been used as both a compliment and an insult. Prime example, ‘Oh no this Queen did not take her butt to sleep and not finish the dishes.’ Or ‘Get it, Queen you are wearing that dress, honey.’ Now that I think about it, it was probably her substitute for bitch all these years.

19. Sometimes I curse and yell for the sake of cursing and yelling. I have done this all for as long as I can remember. My friends and family no longer even notice it.

20. I think every woman should shoot a gun, ride a motorcycle, take a pole dancing class, wear a wig, build something on her own, go out to dinner alone, own a pair of 4 inch heels and have one secret that no one else on the planet knows.

21. All of the women in my family have sisters. Their bond is amazing. Sometimes I am envious of that connection.

22. The most romantic thing any man has ever done for me was listening to me. He didn’t say a word; he just sat there and listened. I am usually the one doing the listening to everyone else around me.

23. As a kid, I had an army of miniature Smurfs. Next to my Tonka truck and Ryder Red Wagon they were my absolute favorite toys.

24. My very first babysitter and her kids used to call me Tuga. My first boyfriend gave me that same exact nickname. I never told him about that and always wonder how he picked that name out of every nickname on the planet.

25. If I could have pursued one other career it would have been acting. I think it would be amazing to get paid well

26. I have sleeped walked all my life. Crazy thing is all I ever do is go to the kitchen and get something to drink. I usually wake up with 2-3 cups on my bedside.

27. My grandparents have been married for 62 years. Although it amazes me, I often wonder if either of them has ever cheated. I wonder, but I honestly dont want to know the answer.

28. When I have kids, I want to have twins. They run though my family like water.

29. Most people complain about their high school years, but my time at Western was some of the greatest years of my life! Only The Best!

30. I dont know how to swim, but I still want to learn. Hmm, I might add this to my To Do List for my 30th year.

What Happens In This House

There appears to be a common misconception about women that most men hold to be true. I’m not sure if it comes from past relationship experience, bad TV sitcoms or from occasionally ease dropping on one end of female phone conversations, but whatever the case it seems that most men believe whole heartily that we women share every detail of our romantic relationships with one another. Please let this post serve as a snopes-type verification that the tale of the Grown Ass Woman** who shares every aspect of her relationship with her girlfriends is FALSE. (**Grown Ass Woman: defined as a woman of legal drinking age who has independent thoughts, possess certain accomplishments and achievements that she can say are all hers, has a life and interests outside of her relationship with you, can stand on her own without covert attempts to undercut your manhood. Also has usually had at least one failed relationship in her adult life)

Ok I will be the first to admit that as women we tend to spend unfathomable amount of time on the phone with one another talking about shit. Most times we don’t talk about a fucking thing. Makes no sense, I know. But just equate it to the hours guys spend together playing Madden in silence or only speaking during the commercials of the football game. You all have your method, we have ours. Respect the difference.

I will also be the first to confess--yes we talk about your asses. We bitch about your failure to do the thing you have been saying you were going to do for the past 10 days. We vent about your forgetfulness. We discuss a new love making technique we tried earlier in the week. (This is simply a free exchange of thoughts & ideas) Hell, we may even discuss why you never put the damn toothpaste back in the right place.

So it stands to reason that when disagreements arise between you and your lady, it is likely that she talk to one of her girlfriends about it. She has to get that shit off of her chest somehow. But here is the kicker, you can rest assure that no matter how big or small the argument or disagreement happens to be, it can range from failure to put the clothes in the dryer to a random chick calling your phone at an odd ass time of night. Whatever the case may be, please know that we DO NOT tell our girls every little detail of our relationship trials with you. We may say something along the lines of ‘Girl, he just gets on my fucking nerves sometimes. He always____________’ But for a Grown Ass Woman, it usually stops somewhere around here.

This happens for two reasons, 1) before we called our girl we have already decided if the offense was worth us saying fuck it, throwing the deuces and sending your ass to the left. We are simply calling her to say the shit we know, if said to you, would take the whole damn issue to the next level. So we call her and get a few, “MmmHmm’s”, ‘Yeah, girl’s” an “I feel you” and maybe an ‘I know how you fell, trust me girl I know’ all followed by a quick, ‘Alright girl, you straight? Ok, cool. Let me call you back in a few.’ (This is our process. Respect the difference) Reason 2) we know our sister-friends. We know which ones are pro-friend and will call you a ‘no good, weak ass momma’s boy’ just because you pissed us off. And in her eyes any dude who upsets one of her friends should get an express pass to ‘Fuck ‘Em Girl Land—Where All Men Go To Die’. We also know which ones will check us on our bullshit, call us unstable and tell us when it is time to go into Ass Kissing Mode. (see: shutting the hell up and giving early morning/unsuspected oral sex) Continually bitching to either one of these girlfriends about your antics will lead them both to tell us to either leave you (which we have already decided we are not going to do) or shut the fuck up.

Because of these two reasons, you can rest assure if you are dating a Grown Ass Woman she is not telling her girls all your business. What happens in your house is staying in your house. Bottom line is we can talk shit about you but will be damned if we let another bitch judge you. It is our process. Respect the difference.

It Aint Gonna Work

I may have to smack someone really, really soon.

If one more person tries to convince me it is ok to have a baby out of wedlock simply because I am 29 and unattached, I am going to reach out and touch their ass. Point Blank!

First of all, anyone who knows me knows I have never been the type of chick who had dreams of white picket fences and 2.5 children. Just wasn’t me. Heck to be honest, I am just now getting to the point where I am starting to think, ‘well ok maybe having some kids might not possibly be the absolute worse thing in the world.’ So you can pretty much bank on the fact that I am not in a mad dash to the alter or the delivery room. I do want those things. But I want them in the right time and place and not just because I am nearing someone else imaginary finish line.

For the last time:
I am not going to just find a dude with good genes.
I am not going to ‘just do it because you really don’t need a man for much. You make enough money’ (let me just say I think this is some of the most selfish bullshit I have ever heard and I don’t have any damn money!)
I am not going to stress myself out because I am getting old (Damn it I am 29! Not 42, leave me alone)
I am not going to be the cure for your baby fever.
You will be a grandparent one day. If you keep pushing me, that might not happen.
Just because I was raised by a single mother and managed to come out as fabulous as I am does not mean I want to be one.

I want a family unit. I will not compromise on this one. It is not up for debate. Do not attempt to talk me into a casually committing to parenthood. It will not work. If you attempt to force feed me any one of aforementioned bullshit theories, either one of two things will happen. 1. You will never again be included in a conversation about my future, or 2. I may inadvertently chop you in the throat.

You have been warned.

I Had A Moment

Anyone who has ever had their heart broken knows that the recovery period is sometimes the most painful shit a person will have to endure.
But luckily, there are moments in the recovery period when you find that you have exhaled. Usually there is no warning or even self preparation. The shit just happens and you find that one of those things that you’ve holding onto stings just a bit little less when you think about it. By no means are you completely over the pain that comes with heart break, but your mind actually begins to wrap itself around the possibility of moving on. And it is delightful and painful all at once. When you realize you have taken that breath it is kind of like you breath out a little of the pain and inhale a little bit of hope. Which amazingly enough, hurts in a different kind of way.

Well I had an Exhaling Moment a few nights ago. I did something I hadn’t done in a long ass time. After taking a hot shower, washing my hair, putting on my lotion and turning on the radio, I threw on nothing but a pair of socks and I slept on the entire bed. It seems minor, I know. You are probably thinking, ‘What the fuck? Who cares? Big fucking deal!’ But let me tell you, it really is a big fucking deal! Really it is.

The few days before this Exhaling Moment, I’d been thinking about this whole thing and why after all this time does the shit still hurt so fucking bad. And I realized that it was because I was holding on for dear life. I was holding my breath, waiting, controlling my heartbeat, anticipating the moment when it all would become whole again. It was like holding onto the pain made me hopeful that the dream would somehow become a reality again. And then it dawned on me that that isn’t going to happen. The shit is really over.

The shit is over. This man is not going to be in a relationship with you again, because he doesn’t want to be. Despite the fact that he still tells you he loves you. In spite of the fact that he is still wants you to allow him to be your rock. Regardless of how hard you love him. No matter what you help him through. Never mind the spiritual connection you both acknowledge. Forget the history you share. And most definitely erase the future plans for a family. Because the shit is over. The shit is over. Just like that. Done. No Full Circle. Just over.

So that night I did it, I took a hot shower, washed my hair, put on my lotion, turned on the radio, threw on just my socks and I slept on the entire bed. Not for one second did I think about the fact that he wouldn’t be filling up that empty space. I didn’t wonder why he no longer wanted to occupy that space. I lived in that moment. And in that moment I was single, all alone and in my big bed. So that is how I slept. In that moment I exhaled a little. I released a little pain and grasped a bit of hope.

Now I just have to remember to keep breathing.

Ready, Set...Commit

A little while back I wrote a post detailing my insane fear of commitment. If you missed that one you can check it out here. Yes, I suffered from commitment phobia so severely, that I often needed to be medicated. Although my choice of medication was usually Long Islands Iced Teas or Rum & Cokes, my phobia was still real. So real in fact that it didn’t just manifest itself in romantic relationships. I didn’t have credit cards because the thought of being bound to something made me nauseous. I waited until my old car was damn near held together with Trident and Elmer’s before I would even think about being forced into having an obligatory monthly car note.

So my phobia wasn’t so much about having my feelings hurt as it was about my ‘because I want to’ mentality. But when it did come to romantic relationships, my conviction to remain footloose and fancy free was probably the most evident. So much so that a few years ago whenever, I mentioned a potential love interest getting a little too familiar ATLBorn&Raised, AggWit and Teddy would have to tell me to “Put the Nikes Down.” Most times I didn’t listen and I am pretty positive I missed out on some great guys. But to be honest none of them ever really made me want to commit. There was no force driving me to commit.

And then I met a guy who just made that fear non-existent. I wish I could tell you guys what he did specifically but the truth is I can’t pin-point. I think it was his ability to make me feel like I was already flawless, while still quietly pushing me toward perfection. Or it could have been that we just connected at the right time and place. Who knows, but at any rate I just knew that this guy was the one with whom I needed to take a chance on a relationship. I felt like no matter the outcome, it would be worth the chance.

So how do we know when it is time to commit? Individually, when we take an honest look at ourselves and our situations with potential SOs what are the key factors that make us decide to focus on turning a few decent dates into a full blown, hand-holding, kissing in public, going to family functions together committed relationship? Do people even have these kinds of thoughts? Or are they most times simply moving into commitments based on convenience or even worse solely on emotions?

Drinking Prune Juice-Part Duex

And letting shit go

…If you have called and left messages twice a week for 3 months you can safely assume I will not be calling you back. No need to leave a message asking why I haven’t retuned your phone call.

…Sometimes I don’t have a reason why I do or don’t do things. I just fucking feel like it. Deal with it.

…If I didn’t ask your opinion I don’t want or need it. So don’t waste your time sharing it.

…I don’t really care if you understand why I do certain things. Just respect it.

…You are my co-worker. NOT my friend. Respect that there is a difference.

…When you ask me something about my life and my response is ‘None of your business’ I am not joking! It really is none of your business so do not ask me the same question again 2 hours later.

…I am not ashamed at the fact that I think I am cute. You should be ashamed that you don’t feel the same way about yourself.

…Just because I went to school and got a degree does not make me a punk bitch. If you test me I will prove it.

…I refuse to upgrade another man!

…Yes, I do believe that ‘Because I felt like it.’ is an acceptable answer to any question.

…When I tell you I am crazy, it isn’t said for entertainment purposes. It is a warning.

…Don’t start worrying until I stop talking to you.

Opened & Ended

If I don't let this out I may explode

Dear You,

I have been trying for the longest to figure out the best way to do this and I keep coming up short. My heart hurts like hell. And I have to figure out how to make it stop. So I can get closure and move on. Honestly I wish I didn’t have to move on because for the first time, I saw things in me that I didn’t know existed and I saw who I could become and it was all because of the man you are and that you decided to share that with me. But now that that is not the case anymore, it is hard. I can hardly breathe most days because the idea of not having you in my life is really hard to swallow. But I think I am finally realizing that as much as I would rather not ever have to deal with getting over us, I have no choice but to start to work toward moving past all of this.

In my heart I know you still love me. From day one I never doubted that. I think I knew you loved me before you knew it. However as much as I know that I also have to accept that you are making/have made a choice not to be with me anymore. I have to be honest and tell you that I will never fully understand it but I will force myself to accept it. But in order to do that I have to release some things otherwise they will eat me up for the rest of my life. So here goes…

Once after an argument, we talked about the things we feared. You told me you worried about being completely honest with me about your thoughts or decisions for fear that I would shut you out or leave you if I disagreed. I promised you then that my love would always be unconditional, nothing you said or did would ever make stop loving you. I would express how I felt but I would never shut you out or dessert you. I feel like I have done a pretty good job of that. During that same conversation, I told you I feel like everybody I have ever known has used me in some way, shape or form, whether it was for sex, money, emotional support or whatever. The very next time you got mad at me you said, ‘I don’t give a fuck, I was just using your ass anyway’. Man, I felt like somebody punched me in the chest. I remember having to pull over on the side of 285 to catch my breath. But I have always been one that doesn’t look at what people do/say so much as WHY they do/say certain things. I figured you were hurt and knowing you the way I do that was your best defensive mechanism. So I chalked it up and moved on. But I have to tell you that hurt me so bad.

Second thing, I absolutely fell in love with your family. After meeting your Dad I understood your sometimes intense need to take care of me. I loved/viewed your siblings as if they were my own little brother and sister. (your little cousin too) And your mother well, I can honestly say I am so very thankful for any relationship/interaction she and I had. I learned things from her that I don’t think my own mother could have ever taught me. (including how to make my relationship with my own mother a better one). I understand how important your relationship is with your family and how much you value it now that it has gotten better. Heck I remember the nights we talked about what you needed to do to improve the relationships you had with each of them. Knowing this and seeing you go from one end to the other I would never, ever do anything that I felt would endanger that for you. With that being said, I feel/felt like you threw me under the bus where they were concerned. You’ve admitted to me that you’ve lied, told half truths and exaggerated a lot of the things that went on between us. That burned like crazy because I would never think about doing something like that to you. To tell you the truth none of my friends/family fully knows about anything that went on between us. I would never share that with them because it isn’t any of their business. Be it good or bad. Even when you told me your mother told you it was me or them. I never, ever wanted you to have to make that choice, so I agreed to walk away. And you told me to wait and promised that you would find a way to work it out. You never did and I never mentioned it again.

My last major point-The only thing I ever asked you to do was to promise me that you would not just walk away again. That when things got tough or confusing that you would not just leave me. Even if it was a voice message, text message or note saying ‘I can’t do this, I need to be away’. I always told you that is enough for me. Just don’t leave me hanging out there. Allow me to have faith in your word. That was the only thing I ever asked and you promised me that and I honest to God believed you which is why I was able to be vulnerable and love you as hard as I do. I believed that no matter what you would always follow through. More than anything else (including the things I have already mentioned) that is what causes/caused me the most pain.

If I ever fell short is showing you my love. Forgive me. I didn’t mean it. Loving like this is new to me and like everything else in life I had to learn how to do it well. I know I have never been the most vocal and emotional person, but my intent was always to love you as hard I knew how. And maybe it wasn’t always picture perfect, but please know that I always, always did it with the best intentions and with all that I had in me. I really honest to God tried and I am so sorry I failed both you and myself.

I think I have gotten it all out. Just know that I love you and always will. But I finally feel like I have to learn to accept my life without you. It is funny because before you I felt like I knew myself, where I was going with my life, like I was complete and content. But now I have to figure out how to do this without you and I am not really sure I can. I am going to try because I know I have to, but I really don’t know if I can do this. My concept of reality has really been screwed now. I really felt like this thing was real and was a connection I could finally put both faith and trust in. And to now be faced with accepting that that isn’t the case at all is unnerving.

And I know you always think I have some ulterior motive but that is not the case here. I just needed to find a way to get my closure on my own since you refused to have that talk with me.

I will always love you, it is just that now I understand that I can’t hold onto you when you clearly want to be let go.

I’m sorry.