Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Emotional Lectures: Teach Me How….

Everything we do is supposed to be a learning experience, right? We endure life’s joys and its crap so we can learn some elusive lesson and become prepared to defeat similar situations in our futures. Or at least that is how it is suppose to be, right?  Right! But the truth of the matter is we often don’t operate like that. We repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we are tired of being tired and even then we don’t really learn the lesson we just figure out a way to take the same fucked up ass behavior and apply it to another situation. Prime example, a woman finds herself dating and trying to fix the same kind of emotionally retard asshole and over and over again. After the third guy in a row she decides, she is going to take a break from men because she doesn’t want to have to repair this same motherfucker again. But does she take that time to learn more about herself; her desires, her needs, her loves, her loathes? Fuck no! She ends up subconsciously throwing herself into repairing her emotionally retarded and stunted friends. She takes the time the universe gave her for herself and willingly hands it over others. She never addresses her innate need to make everyone and everything ok. She fails to see that her willingness to be everyone’s fortress is simply a distorted application of her need for human attention and acknowledgement. She completely misses the lesson and in turn takes the same fucked up ass behavior and applies to all the other situations in her life. No matter how many times she is taught..she just never learns.

I am realizing there are several lessons life has actually taught me on multiple occasions, that I have never really learned. Life has taught me over and over again that not succeeding is not always failing. Yet I curse myself out every time I don’t immediately reach a goal or milestone. I have sat through the course on self-fulfilling prophecies I don’t know how many times, yet I still say things out of my mouth that don’t necessarily speak greatness into my own life. I know that every single one of those wonderful moments, the ones that cause our souls to sing, is a result of making it out of the painful ones that made our souls to scream. But those painful ones still hurt like hell and somehow each one just a tad bit more than the last. I know there will be times when I desperately need the people I love most in the world and they wont be available, yet my heart breaks a little every time it happens. Life has taught me to predict when folks will throw rocks at the things I try to build, but somehow I’m always surprised by the impact of the hit and how fragile it makes me feel. Countless times I’ve had pieces of my spirit extracted after I’ve shared my most intimate fears with someone who later decides I’m not even worth a returned phone call.

I know these pains all too well. I’ve put myself through these emotional lectures enough times. I will not do it again. Some things have got to change. So some things have simply got to come to an end. In 2012, I’m starting with these lessons first.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Danger: Angry Black Woman

When I’m emotional I shower. Whether its sadness, nervousness, anger, fear or whatever if I’m emotional. I will turn off the lights, light a few candles and head for the shower. I’m not sure what about it relaxes me. Don’t know if it’s the steam, the solitude of the darkness or the flicker of the small lights but when I’m emotional, I shower. Repeatedly. And I think. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. At times I have actually sat on the floor of the shower and just breathed.

Tonight I showered and realized how angry I am. I am so very angry. There is some much anger brewing inside me that it scares the shit out of me. Honest to God, it scares me. Not because I think I’m at risk for doing something harmful to myself or someone else but because I’ve seen what that kind of unacknowledged anger can do to a person’s soul. It dismantles it. The thought of soul being damaged in that way scares me. But I’m overwhelmingly angry and it’s such an unfamiliar emotion. I’ve dealt with disappointments. I’ve mastered loneliness. I’ve surmounted sadness. I’ve even overcome some heartbreak. They’re all relatively easy, but this anger, it’s consuming in a devilish kind of way.

I’m angry about every moment of disappointment, loneliness, sadness and heartbreak. I’m angry because I cant seem to cry enough tears to feel better. I cant smile enough for the joy to reach my heart. I cant seem to pull any more optimism out of my ass to get me over this hump. I’m angry because for the first time in my life, I actually feel sorry for myself. I’m angry because I’ve got more submissions of pain and not enough sources for joy.

I have to fix this soon cause its destroying me. I can feel little pieces of myself falling away. Disintegrating.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Truth is...

In the spirit of being all open and honest and shit. I'm going to tell the truth about somethings.

Truth is...

.....I'm lonely. And not that kind of lonely that hanging with the girls or being around family can cure. I'm that Stephanie Mills, 'Comfort of A Man' kind of lonely. I miss not just having a man around but being connected to him.

....I'm not angry or pissed that a good friend blew off my birthday this year. I'm hurt. And it sucks because I'm not really that surprised that this friend hurt me...again.

....Although I'm happy for him, it tickles me when my former's friends pull me aside to say they wish he and I could have worked better.

....I'm 31 and I've got a crush. Dont. Judge.Me! It keeps me youthful, lol.

....I liked him. But his family annoyed the hell out of me. Of course that had to end.

....I've used the 'Where are we going-I need a commitment' method whenever I'm not sure how to end it with a dude. Works like a charm everytime, although I've had to force some tears on occassion.

....Going back to corporate America scares the shit out of me. I think if I do it, I'll somehow end up stuck there for the next 15-20 years. I'll look  up one day and be one of those people I said I'd never be talking about the woulda, coulda, shoulda's of life.

And that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Quit Ya Lying...

I'm a liar. Better yet...I'm full of shit. I used to really love writing in this blog. It was great therapy and some of the best vent sessions I'd ever had. Then I stopped. The stopping wasnt the worst part. The worst part of it all was that I lied about why I stopped.

'I'm uninspired.'
'I've got a lot going on right now.' 
'Nobody is even reading that thing.'
'Cant find anything really worth writing about.'

All some of the canned answered I had prepared for when folks would ask me why I hadnt updated in awhile. And each and every one of them was a bunch of bullshit. Truth be told...I stopped writing, because people started reading. Makes no damn sense, right? I mean isnt that the purpose of having a damn blog or even the goal behind creating in general? You write, sing, paint, create so someone can read it, hear it, see it, enjoy it and be inspired. Nothing validates an artist (of any kind) more than knowing their self expression triggered something in someone else. Those are the moments when the fog disappears and you realize the emotions behind your creativity are normal and so are you. And those moments were awesome! But along with them came the realization that my deepest most inner thoughts were not out in the world. They were no longer mine. Someone else not only knew about them, but fully understood them because I'd put in writing the who, what, when, where and why. It felt like I was slowing drawing a road map to my soul and that petrified me.

But I realized this week, I miss my little piece of cyberspace. I miss expressing myself like this. I miss composing the insane thoughts that go through my head. I miss using this space to release some heartache. I miss telling no one inparticular my opinion on nothing inparticular. So I'm going to start writing here more often and I'm going to do so honestly. When I knew all my friends and family were reading this I found myself censoring myself, which took most all the pleaure out of it. But this time I'm going to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, for the reasons I want to say it. Because this is my little piece of cyberspace and I can do that. (Besides I think its been so long since I put anything over here, most of my friends and family have forgotten it even exists, lol)

So to my friends and family:
  1. If you stumble across this blog and like what you read, keep it to yourself! Knowing you're reading may cause me undue pressure to be interesting and witty. Who needs that?
  2. If you stumble across this blog and you dislike what you read, keep it to yourself! Post a comment if you like, but dont call or email me about it. If I wanted your opinion I would've sent you a copy in email before I posted it.
  3. If you read something on here and you think I'm talking about you..I probably am. Deal with it on your own. I have.
  4. If your feelings get hurt by something you think is about you...stop reading. I will be ok with that.
  5. If you continue to read this please know this little piece of cyberspace is for me not you! I owe you nothing!
I'm excited to be back. I cant wait to entertain the two or three folks who might still be reading this thing. But if its just me, I'm perfectly ok with that too.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In That Moment

Sometimes in life there are moments when you have to remind yourself to breath. Whether they come from a broken heart, a lost loved one, failing to meet a specific goal or just realizing our own humanity, they shake us at the core. These are the moments when the most basic forms of human function and stabilization aren’t just cumbersome but they require you to reach deep down inside, find something; that one small thing worth fighting for and hold onto it for dear life. Clutch it to your breast, beg all the angels in heaven and wish upon every single star in the sky for the basic strength to make it to the next breath. You find yourself forcing your lungs to recall their natural occupation.

These moments in life are when we really get a chance to see what we are made of, these are the moments when we actualize our weakness and acknowledge our strength. This is the exact moment when fragility meets perseverance and somehow we come out victorious. These are the moments that make us better. Greater. Bigger. Stronger. Wiser.
These very moments show us just what we are capable of surmounting. In those moments we make history. We become archeologist of our own souls, discovering the things which folks have only speculated. Those moments compose us, enhance us, ignite us, they relocate us to solid ground.

I’ve learned to live for those little moments. They force me to face myself and prove to myself exactly who I am. So I’m wishing everyone a moment where they are forced to remind themselves to breath. That next breath, if taken with caution and resolve, has the power to cover you with praise and purpose in that one instant moment.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

30 Things--All Totally Random

In exactly 30 days I turn 30 years old. I am so fucking excited. A lot of folks I know are freaking out about 30, but for some reason I am not. It might be because I always look forward to celebrating my bday. So to honor my 30 wonderful years, I have decided to make a post for 30 days straight! I know, I dont believe the shit either.

I figured I would start with this list I recently added to my facebook page. I didnt realize I was so dayum cryptic to those close to me. My oldest friend in the world didnt know have of the shit on my list. (Sorry Wee!) The list was originally 25 things, but I added five more for symbolic effect.

1. I recently found out that due to a clerical error my father and I may have the wrong last name.

2. Up until my sophomore year in college I wanted a career in politics. Many of the things I did freshman year killed that dream, lol

3. I prefer to date men who are much smarter than I. Nothing like someone who can make you better.

4. My biggest heartbreak didn’t come from a dude, it from a friend accusing me of betraying their trust. Unreal pain folks.

5. I am so grateful I was picked on and bullied ALOT as a kid. I don’t thing anything else could have made my skin this thick.

6. As much shit as I talk sometimes, my Daddy can bring the punk right up out of me by simply calling me his Babygirl.

7. The day I graduated from college, was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life.

8. One of the reasons I never finished my book was because too many people snuck a peek at the first few chapters and told me how much they were looking forward to reading the rest of the story. Too much pressure!

9. I can’t stand for people to make things easy for me. I feel like it is nothing but pity and charity. It pisses me off.

10. I finally purchased an iPod 2 months and still haven’t figured out how to work iTunes. So I repeat the same fucking 137 songs.

11. Seeing my name in print turns me on. This is probably the best testament to my vanity. *sigh*

12. I hate wearing tennis shoes and try not to buy more than one pair every 12 months. They damn things hurt my feet.

13. I don’t care how hot or cold it is outside, I will not and can not sleep without socks and a blanket. It just won’t happen.

14. I want to learn to play the drums. I have always thought it was the sexiest instrument a woman could play.

15. I failed my driving test 2 times. The third time I said fuck it and wore a low cut tight t-shirt and a short skirt. A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.

16. I can’t stand for a kitchen cabinet, closet door or shower curtain to be open. I have turned my car around and driven back to the house to shut the kitchen cabinets before. It is my only OCD offense

17. I hate cleaning. HATE IT! I find it mind numbing. I would choose cooking, laundry and working out over cleaning any day.

18. All my life my mother has called me Queen. It has been used as both a compliment and an insult. Prime example, ‘Oh no this Queen did not take her butt to sleep and not finish the dishes.’ Or ‘Get it, Queen you are wearing that dress, honey.’ Now that I think about it, it was probably her substitute for bitch all these years.

19. Sometimes I curse and yell for the sake of cursing and yelling. I have done this all for as long as I can remember. My friends and family no longer even notice it.

20. I think every woman should shoot a gun, ride a motorcycle, take a pole dancing class, wear a wig, build something on her own, go out to dinner alone, own a pair of 4 inch heels and have one secret that no one else on the planet knows.

21. All of the women in my family have sisters. Their bond is amazing. Sometimes I am envious of that connection.

22. The most romantic thing any man has ever done for me was listening to me. He didn’t say a word; he just sat there and listened. I am usually the one doing the listening to everyone else around me.

23. As a kid, I had an army of miniature Smurfs. Next to my Tonka truck and Ryder Red Wagon they were my absolute favorite toys.

24. My very first babysitter and her kids used to call me Tuga. My first boyfriend gave me that same exact nickname. I never told him about that and always wonder how he picked that name out of every nickname on the planet.

25. If I could have pursued one other career it would have been acting. I think it would be amazing to get paid well

26. I have sleeped walked all my life. Crazy thing is all I ever do is go to the kitchen and get something to drink. I usually wake up with 2-3 cups on my bedside.

27. My grandparents have been married for 62 years. Although it amazes me, I often wonder if either of them has ever cheated. I wonder, but I honestly dont want to know the answer.

28. When I have kids, I want to have twins. They run though my family like water.

29. Most people complain about their high school years, but my time at Western was some of the greatest years of my life! Only The Best!

30. I dont know how to swim, but I still want to learn. Hmm, I might add this to my To Do List for my 30th year.

Friday, June 06, 2008

What Happens In This House

There appears to be a common misconception about women that most men hold to be true. I’m not sure if it comes from past relationship experience, bad TV sitcoms or from occasionally ease dropping on one end of female phone conversations, but whatever the case it seems that most men believe whole heartily that we women share every detail of our romantic relationships with one another. Please let this post serve as a snopes-type verification that the tale of the Grown Ass Woman** who shares every aspect of her relationship with her girlfriends is FALSE. (**Grown Ass Woman: defined as a woman of legal drinking age who has independent thoughts, possess certain accomplishments and achievements that she can say are all hers, has a life and interests outside of her relationship with you, can stand on her own without covert attempts to undercut your manhood. Also has usually had at least one failed relationship in her adult life)

Ok I will be the first to admit that as women we tend to spend unfathomable amount of time on the phone with one another talking about shit. Most times we don’t talk about a fucking thing. Makes no sense, I know. But just equate it to the hours guys spend together playing Madden in silence or only speaking during the commercials of the football game. You all have your method, we have ours. Respect the difference.

I will also be the first to confess--yes we talk about your asses. We bitch about your failure to do the thing you have been saying you were going to do for the past 10 days. We vent about your forgetfulness. We discuss a new love making technique we tried earlier in the week. (This is simply a free exchange of thoughts & ideas) Hell, we may even discuss why you never put the damn toothpaste back in the right place.

So it stands to reason that when disagreements arise between you and your lady, it is likely that she talk to one of her girlfriends about it. She has to get that shit off of her chest somehow. But here is the kicker, you can rest assure that no matter how big or small the argument or disagreement happens to be, it can range from failure to put the clothes in the dryer to a random chick calling your phone at an odd ass time of night. Whatever the case may be, please know that we DO NOT tell our girls every little detail of our relationship trials with you. We may say something along the lines of ‘Girl, he just gets on my fucking nerves sometimes. He always____________’ But for a Grown Ass Woman, it usually stops somewhere around here.

This happens for two reasons, 1) before we called our girl we have already decided if the offense was worth us saying fuck it, throwing the deuces and sending your ass to the left. We are simply calling her to say the shit we know, if said to you, would take the whole damn issue to the next level. So we call her and get a few, “MmmHmm’s”, ‘Yeah, girl’s” an “I feel you” and maybe an ‘I know how you fell, trust me girl I know’ all followed by a quick, ‘Alright girl, you straight? Ok, cool. Let me call you back in a few.’ (This is our process. Respect the difference) Reason 2) we know our sister-friends. We know which ones are pro-friend and will call you a ‘no good, weak ass momma’s boy’ just because you pissed us off. And in her eyes any dude who upsets one of her friends should get an express pass to ‘Fuck ‘Em Girl Land—Where All Men Go To Die’. We also know which ones will check us on our bullshit, call us unstable and tell us when it is time to go into Ass Kissing Mode. (see: shutting the hell up and giving early morning/unsuspected oral sex) Continually bitching to either one of these girlfriends about your antics will lead them both to tell us to either leave you (which we have already decided we are not going to do) or shut the fuck up.

Because of these two reasons, you can rest assure if you are dating a Grown Ass Woman she is not telling her girls all your business. What happens in your house is staying in your house. Bottom line is we can talk shit about you but will be damned if we let another bitch judge you. It is our process. Respect the difference.