Hey folks I apologize for my two-week hiatus, but…aw hell there is really no excuse, I was just slacking. I will try not to let it happen again.
The continuance of my introspective stage lead me to think about commitment, or better yet my intense fear of it. For 26 years I have been an only child, which allowed me a certain freedom to do what I wanted for the reasons I wanted. (except when my mother told me no) If I wanted to do something and none of my friends wanted to, I would still go. I never really HAD to consider anyone or anything outside of myself, unless I wanted to. And the thought of feeling obligated to something or someone just does not sit well with me. It actually makes me nervous and has been know to give me headaches. It might be part of that selfish streak my best friend is always telling me I have. But hell, I like having the option to change my mind if the mood hits me. I actually feel it is one of the benefits of being a woman.
Let me clarify, my fear of commitment entails more than just relationships. I don’t have any credit cards, because I don’t want to feel stuck. I am almost in need of a new car and am dreading it because of the bind between borrower and lender. I have been known to tell folks ‘maybe’ when I know for sure that I am going to do something, just so I don’t feel obligated. Heck, now that I think about it that may be why for the longest I kept saying I didn’t want any children. (talk about commitment) But when it comes to relationships I am not just fearful, I am down right phobic.
Currently, I am single, which means that all of my past ‘relationships’ have failed. Notice the quotation marks. That means that very few of them were actual relationships with titles and all. Well really just two of them had titles. But they all failed. And, to be perfectly honest, that really pisses me off. The most human and basic part of life is the relationships we have, and if I can’t make them work, well what the hell does that say about me. It could say I need to work at improving my communication skills or that I need to become a better woman or that I should relax more. Actually it said all these things. Plus it told me I was picking the wrong men. Well…they were right for my intended goal at the time. The Goal-To Remain a Commitment Phobe and Avoid Failed Relationship.
I realized that although I fantasized about the perfect relationship, with my ideal man; I was doing everything I could to avoid making it tangible. I was subconsciously picking men I knew would never commit to a relationship. Guys that I knew would be into me and enjoy my company but weren’t quite ready for that next step. These were the type of guys that no matter how much I hinted at making it official, with titles and all, they would never do it. It was always, “We’re good where we’re at. I’m not seeing anyone else and you aren’t either so we should be good.’ And as much as I behaved like it bothered me, I didn’t bother me too much, because I kept dealing with them.
One guy I dealt with for about four years and I always behaved like I really wanted to be with him, but who was I kidding. I knew what that would require of him as well as myself and I just wasn’t ready for all of that. It was funny though cause I think we used each other for the same thing. Safety nets. When I would bring up an official relationship, he wasn’t ready and whenever he would say ok lets just do this I would find a reason to change my mind. Weird. There is actually a song that reminds me of him, well us. Its by 112 and its tellingly entitled, I’m A Player. There is this one line that goes, ‘..you knew when you started messing around with me, you knew I wouldn’t commit to you.’ Every time I hear it I can’t help but smile.
My introspection led me to the conclusion that I did this cause I didn’t want a failure on my permanent record. This way when the relationship went south my saving grace would always be, ‘We weren’t really together anyway.’ It saved face and kept my ego in tact. Fucked up logic, I know but it was what I used.
Usually this type of realization leads to me changing something in my life. Honestly, I don’t know if this is going to be adjusted. How do you make a conscious effort to not subconsciously do something? This is a new one for me, but I will keep you posted.
The continuance of my introspective stage lead me to think about commitment, or better yet my intense fear of it. For 26 years I have been an only child, which allowed me a certain freedom to do what I wanted for the reasons I wanted. (except when my mother told me no) If I wanted to do something and none of my friends wanted to, I would still go. I never really HAD to consider anyone or anything outside of myself, unless I wanted to. And the thought of feeling obligated to something or someone just does not sit well with me. It actually makes me nervous and has been know to give me headaches. It might be part of that selfish streak my best friend is always telling me I have. But hell, I like having the option to change my mind if the mood hits me. I actually feel it is one of the benefits of being a woman.
Let me clarify, my fear of commitment entails more than just relationships. I don’t have any credit cards, because I don’t want to feel stuck. I am almost in need of a new car and am dreading it because of the bind between borrower and lender. I have been known to tell folks ‘maybe’ when I know for sure that I am going to do something, just so I don’t feel obligated. Heck, now that I think about it that may be why for the longest I kept saying I didn’t want any children. (talk about commitment) But when it comes to relationships I am not just fearful, I am down right phobic.
Currently, I am single, which means that all of my past ‘relationships’ have failed. Notice the quotation marks. That means that very few of them were actual relationships with titles and all. Well really just two of them had titles. But they all failed. And, to be perfectly honest, that really pisses me off. The most human and basic part of life is the relationships we have, and if I can’t make them work, well what the hell does that say about me. It could say I need to work at improving my communication skills or that I need to become a better woman or that I should relax more. Actually it said all these things. Plus it told me I was picking the wrong men. Well…they were right for my intended goal at the time. The Goal-To Remain a Commitment Phobe and Avoid Failed Relationship.
I realized that although I fantasized about the perfect relationship, with my ideal man; I was doing everything I could to avoid making it tangible. I was subconsciously picking men I knew would never commit to a relationship. Guys that I knew would be into me and enjoy my company but weren’t quite ready for that next step. These were the type of guys that no matter how much I hinted at making it official, with titles and all, they would never do it. It was always, “We’re good where we’re at. I’m not seeing anyone else and you aren’t either so we should be good.’ And as much as I behaved like it bothered me, I didn’t bother me too much, because I kept dealing with them.
One guy I dealt with for about four years and I always behaved like I really wanted to be with him, but who was I kidding. I knew what that would require of him as well as myself and I just wasn’t ready for all of that. It was funny though cause I think we used each other for the same thing. Safety nets. When I would bring up an official relationship, he wasn’t ready and whenever he would say ok lets just do this I would find a reason to change my mind. Weird. There is actually a song that reminds me of him, well us. Its by 112 and its tellingly entitled, I’m A Player. There is this one line that goes, ‘..you knew when you started messing around with me, you knew I wouldn’t commit to you.’ Every time I hear it I can’t help but smile.
My introspection led me to the conclusion that I did this cause I didn’t want a failure on my permanent record. This way when the relationship went south my saving grace would always be, ‘We weren’t really together anyway.’ It saved face and kept my ego in tact. Fucked up logic, I know but it was what I used.
Usually this type of realization leads to me changing something in my life. Honestly, I don’t know if this is going to be adjusted. How do you make a conscious effort to not subconsciously do something? This is a new one for me, but I will keep you posted.
