I'm a liar. Better yet...I'm full of shit. I used to really love writing in this blog. It was great therapy and some of the best vent sessions I'd ever had. Then I stopped. The stopping wasnt the worst part. The worst part of it all was that I lied about why I stopped.

'I'm uninspired.'

'I've got a lot going on right now.' 

'Nobody is even reading that thing.'

'Cant find anything really worth writing about.'

All some of the canned answered I had prepared for when folks would ask me why I hadnt updated in awhile. And each and every one of them was a bunch of bullshit. Truth be told...I stopped writing, because people started reading. Makes no damn sense, right? I mean isnt that the purpose of having a damn blog or even the goal behind creating in general? You write, sing, paint, create so someone can read it, hear it, see it, enjoy it and be inspired. Nothing validates an artist (of any kind) more than knowing their self expression triggered something in someone else. Those are the moments when the fog disappears and you realize the emotions behind your creativity are normal and so are you. And those moments were awesome! But along with them came the realization that my deepest most inner thoughts were not out in the world. They were no longer mine. Someone else not only knew about them, but fully understood them because I'd put in writing the who, what, when, where and why. It felt like I was slowing drawing a road map to my soul and that petrified me.

But I realized this week, I miss my little piece of cyberspace. I miss expressing myself like this. I miss composing the insane thoughts that go through my head. I miss using this space to release some heartache. I miss telling no one inparticular my opinion on nothing inparticular. So I'm going to start writing here more often and I'm going to do so honestly. When I knew all my friends and family were reading this I found myself censoring myself, which took most all the pleaure out of it. But this time I'm going to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, for the reasons I want to say it. Because this is my little piece of cyberspace and I can do that. (Besides I think its been so long since I put anything over here, most of my friends and family have forgotten it even exists, lol)

So to my friends and family:

1. If you stumble across this blog and like what you read, keep it to yourself! Knowing you're reading may cause me undue pressure to be interesting and witty. Who needs that?
2. If you stumble across this blog and you dislike what you read, keep it to yourself! Post a comment if you like, but dont call or email me about it. If I wanted your opinion I would've sent you a copy in email before I posted it.
3. If you read something on here and you think I'm talking about you..I probably am. Deal with it on your own. I have.
4. If your feelings get hurt by something you think is about you...stop reading. I will be ok with that.
5. If you continue to read this please know this little piece of cyberspace is for me not you! I owe you nothing!

I'm excited to be back. I cant wait to entertain the two or three folks who might still be reading this thing. But if its just me, I'm perfectly ok with that too.

Anyone who has ever had their heart broken knows that the recovery period is sometimes the most painful shit a person will have to endure.
But luckily, there are moments in the recovery period when you find that you have exhaled. Usually there is no warning or even self preparation. The shit just happens and you find that one of those things that you’ve holding onto stings just a bit little less when you think about it. By no means are you completely over the pain that comes with heart break, but your mind actually begins to wrap itself around the possibility of moving on. And it is delightful and painful all at once. When you realize you have taken that breath it is kind of like you breath out a little of the pain and inhale a little bit of hope. Which amazingly enough, hurts in a different kind of way.

Well I had an Exhaling Moment a few nights ago. I did something I hadn’t done in a long ass time. After taking a hot shower, washing my hair, putting on my lotion and turning on the radio, I threw on nothing but a pair of socks and I slept on the entire bed. It seems minor, I know. You are probably thinking, ‘What the fuck? Who cares? Big fucking deal!’ But let me tell you, it really is a big fucking deal! Really it is.

The few days before this Exhaling Moment, I’d been thinking about this whole thing and why after all this time does the shit still hurt so fucking bad. And I realized that it was because I was holding on for dear life. I was holding my breath, waiting, controlling my heartbeat, anticipating the moment when it all would become whole again. It was like holding onto the pain made me hopeful that the dream would somehow become a reality again. And then it dawned on me that that isn’t going to happen. The shit is really over.

The shit is over. This man is not going to be in a relationship with you again, because he doesn’t want to be. Despite the fact that he still tells you he loves you. In spite of the fact that he is still wants you to allow him to be your rock. Regardless of how hard you love him. No matter what you help him through. Never mind the spiritual connection you both acknowledge. Forget the history you share. And most definitely erase the future plans for a family. Because the shit is over. The shit is over. Just like that. Done. No Full Circle. Just over.

So that night I did it, I took a hot shower, washed my hair, put on my lotion, turned on the radio, threw on just my socks and I slept on the entire bed. Not for one second did I think about the fact that he wouldn’t be filling up that empty space. I didn’t wonder why he no longer wanted to occupy that space. I lived in that moment. And in that moment I was single, all alone and in my big bed. So that is how I slept. In that moment I exhaled a little. I released a little pain and grasped a bit of hope.

Now I just have to remember to keep breathing.

If I don't let this out I may explode

Dear You,

I have been trying for the longest to figure out the best way to do this and I keep coming up short. My heart hurts like hell. And I have to figure out how to make it stop. So I can get closure and move on. Honestly I wish I didn’t have to move on because for the first time, I saw things in me that I didn’t know existed and I saw who I could become and it was all because of the man you are and that you decided to share that with me. But now that that is not the case anymore, it is hard. I can hardly breathe most days because the idea of not having you in my life is really hard to swallow. But I think I am finally realizing that as much as I would rather not ever have to deal with getting over us, I have no choice but to start to work toward moving past all of this.

In my heart I know you still love me. From day one I never doubted that. I think I knew you loved me before you knew it. However as much as I know that I also have to accept that you are making/have made a choice not to be with me anymore. I have to be honest and tell you that I will never fully understand it but I will force myself to accept it. But in order to do that I have to release some things otherwise they will eat me up for the rest of my life. So here goes…

Once after an argument, we talked about the things we feared. You told me you worried about being completely honest with me about your thoughts or decisions for fear that I would shut you out or leave you if I disagreed. I promised you then that my love would always be unconditional, nothing you said or did would ever make stop loving you. I would express how I felt but I would never shut you out or dessert you. I feel like I have done a pretty good job of that. During that same conversation, I told you I feel like everybody I have ever known has used me in some way, shape or form, whether it was for sex, money, emotional support or whatever. The very next time you got mad at me you said, ‘I don’t give a fuck, I was just using your ass anyway’. Man, I felt like somebody punched me in the chest. I remember having to pull over on the side of 285 to catch my breath. But I have always been one that doesn’t look at what people do/say so much as WHY they do/say certain things. I figured you were hurt and knowing you the way I do that was your best defensive mechanism. So I chalked it up and moved on. But I have to tell you that hurt me so bad.

Second thing, I absolutely fell in love with your family. After meeting your Dad I understood your sometimes intense need to take care of me. I loved/viewed your siblings as if they were my own little brother and sister. (your little cousin too) And your mother well, I can honestly say I am so very thankful for any relationship/interaction she and I had. I learned things from her that I don’t think my own mother could have ever taught me. (including how to make my relationship with my own mother a better one). I understand how important your relationship is with your family and how much you value it now that it has gotten better. Heck I remember the nights we talked about what you needed to do to improve the relationships you had with each of them. Knowing this and seeing you go from one end to the other I would never, ever do anything that I felt would endanger that for you. With that being said, I feel/felt like you threw me under the bus where they were concerned. You’ve admitted to me that you’ve lied, told half truths and exaggerated a lot of the things that went on between us. That burned like crazy because I would never think about doing something like that to you. To tell you the truth none of my friends/family fully knows about anything that went on between us. I would never share that with them because it isn’t any of their business. Be it good or bad. Even when you told me your mother told you it was me or them. I never, ever wanted you to have to make that choice, so I agreed to walk away. And you told me to wait and promised that you would find a way to work it out. You never did and I never mentioned it again.

My last major point-The only thing I ever asked you to do was to promise me that you would not just walk away again. That when things got tough or confusing that you would not just leave me. Even if it was a voice message, text message or note saying ‘I can’t do this, I need to be away’. I always told you that is enough for me. Just don’t leave me hanging out there. Allow me to have faith in your word. That was the only thing I ever asked and you promised me that and I honest to God believed you which is why I was able to be vulnerable and love you as hard as I do. I believed that no matter what you would always follow through. More than anything else (including the things I have already mentioned) that is what causes/caused me the most pain.

If I ever fell short is showing you my love. Forgive me. I didn’t mean it. Loving like this is new to me and like everything else in life I had to learn how to do it well. I know I have never been the most vocal and emotional person, but my intent was always to love you as hard I knew how. And maybe it wasn’t always picture perfect, but please know that I always, always did it with the best intentions and with all that I had in me. I really honest to God tried and I am so sorry I failed both you and myself.

I think I have gotten it all out. Just know that I love you and always will. But I finally feel like I have to learn to accept my life without you. It is funny because before you I felt like I knew myself, where I was going with my life, like I was complete and content. But now I have to figure out how to do this without you and I am not really sure I can. I am going to try because I know I have to, but I really don’t know if I can do this. My concept of reality has really been screwed now. I really felt like this thing was real and was a connection I could finally put both faith and trust in. And to now be faced with accepting that that isn’t the case at all is unnerving.

And I know you always think I have some ulterior motive but that is not the case here. I just needed to find a way to get my closure on my own since you refused to have that talk with me.

I will always love you, it is just that now I understand that I can’t hold onto you when you clearly want to be let go.

I’m sorry.