Anyone who has ever had their heart broken knows that the recovery period is sometimes the most painful shit a person will have to endure.
But luckily, there are moments in the recovery period when you find that you have exhaled. Usually there is no warning or even self preparation. The shit just happens and you find that one of those things that you’ve holding onto stings just a bit little less when you think about it. By no means are you completely over the pain that comes with heart break, but your mind actually begins to wrap itself around the possibility of moving on. And it is delightful and painful all at once. When you realize you have taken that breath it is kind of like you breath out a little of the pain and inhale a little bit of hope. Which amazingly enough, hurts in a different kind of way.

Well I had an Exhaling Moment a few nights ago. I did something I hadn’t done in a long ass time. After taking a hot shower, washing my hair, putting on my lotion and turning on the radio, I threw on nothing but a pair of socks and I slept on the entire bed. It seems minor, I know. You are probably thinking, ‘What the fuck? Who cares? Big fucking deal!’ But let me tell you, it really is a big fucking deal! Really it is.

The few days before this Exhaling Moment, I’d been thinking about this whole thing and why after all this time does the shit still hurt so fucking bad. And I realized that it was because I was holding on for dear life. I was holding my breath, waiting, controlling my heartbeat, anticipating the moment when it all would become whole again. It was like holding onto the pain made me hopeful that the dream would somehow become a reality again. And then it dawned on me that that isn’t going to happen. The shit is really over.

The shit is over. This man is not going to be in a relationship with you again, because he doesn’t want to be. Despite the fact that he still tells you he loves you. In spite of the fact that he is still wants you to allow him to be your rock. Regardless of how hard you love him. No matter what you help him through. Never mind the spiritual connection you both acknowledge. Forget the history you share. And most definitely erase the future plans for a family. Because the shit is over. The shit is over. Just like that. Done. No Full Circle. Just over.

So that night I did it, I took a hot shower, washed my hair, put on my lotion, turned on the radio, threw on just my socks and I slept on the entire bed. Not for one second did I think about the fact that he wouldn’t be filling up that empty space. I didn’t wonder why he no longer wanted to occupy that space. I lived in that moment. And in that moment I was single, all alone and in my big bed. So that is how I slept. In that moment I exhaled a little. I released a little pain and grasped a bit of hope.

Now I just have to remember to keep breathing.