Friday, February 25, 2005

Fear Of A Committed Relationship

Hey folks I apologize for my two-week hiatus, but…aw hell there is really no excuse, I was just slacking. I will try not to let it happen again.

The continuance of my introspective stage lead me to think about commitment, or better yet my intense fear of it. For 26 years I have been an only child, which allowed me a certain freedom to do what I wanted for the reasons I wanted. (except when my mother told me no) If I wanted to do something and none of my friends wanted to, I would still go. I never really HAD to consider anyone or anything outside of myself, unless I wanted to. And the thought of feeling obligated to something or someone just does not sit well with me. It actually makes me nervous and has been know to give me headaches. It might be part of that selfish streak my best friend is always telling me I have. But hell, I like having the option to change my mind if the mood hits me. I actually feel it is one of the benefits of being a woman.

Let me clarify, my fear of commitment entails more than just relationships. I don’t have any credit cards, because I don’t want to feel stuck. I am almost in need of a new car and am dreading it because of the bind between borrower and lender. I have been known to tell folks ‘maybe’ when I know for sure that I am going to do something, just so I don’t feel obligated. Heck, now that I think about it that may be why for the longest I kept saying I didn’t want any children. (talk about commitment) But when it comes to relationships I am not just fearful, I am down right phobic.

Currently, I am single, which means that all of my past ‘relationships’ have failed. Notice the quotation marks. That means that very few of them were actual relationships with titles and all. Well really just two of them had titles. But they all failed. And, to be perfectly honest, that really pisses me off. The most human and basic part of life is the relationships we have, and if I can’t make them work, well what the hell does that say about me. It could say I need to work at improving my communication skills or that I need to become a better woman or that I should relax more. Actually it said all these things. Plus it told me I was picking the wrong men. Well…they were right for my intended goal at the time. The Goal-To Remain a Commitment Phobe and Avoid Failed Relationship.

I realized that although I fantasized about the perfect relationship, with my ideal man; I was doing everything I could to avoid making it tangible. I was subconsciously picking men I knew would never commit to a relationship. Guys that I knew would be into me and enjoy my company but weren’t quite ready for that next step. These were the type of guys that no matter how much I hinted at making it official, with titles and all, they would never do it. It was always, “We’re good where we’re at. I’m not seeing anyone else and you aren’t either so we should be good.’ And as much as I behaved like it bothered me, I didn’t bother me too much, because I kept dealing with them.

One guy I dealt with for about four years and I always behaved like I really wanted to be with him, but who was I kidding. I knew what that would require of him as well as myself and I just wasn’t ready for all of that. It was funny though cause I think we used each other for the same thing. Safety nets. When I would bring up an official relationship, he wasn’t ready and whenever he would say ok lets just do this I would find a reason to change my mind. Weird. There is actually a song that reminds me of him, well us. Its by 112 and its tellingly entitled, I’m A Player. There is this one line that goes, ‘..you knew when you started messing around with me, you knew I wouldn’t commit to you.’ Every time I hear it I can’t help but smile.

My introspection led me to the conclusion that I did this cause I didn’t want a failure on my permanent record. This way when the relationship went south my saving grace would always be, ‘We weren’t really together anyway.’ It saved face and kept my ego in tact. Fucked up logic, I know but it was what I used.

Usually this type of realization leads to me changing something in my life. Honestly, I don’t know if this is going to be adjusted. How do you make a conscious effort to not subconsciously do something? This is a new one for me, but I will keep you posted.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Accepting Prayers

Well folks it appears that another cousin in New Haven died last night, he just had a heartattack and died. So at this moment I am preparing for a very long road trip with my mom. It is kinda odd dealing with the fact that my ex-boyfriend and I are helping one another through the death of the same family member. He was both of our cousin. Although he was mine only through marriage. I guess I should make it a little clearer. 1/2 of the marital united that made us 'related' has past. He was my cousin's husband and part of the ex's bloodline. And this happened on the evening of another cousin's funeral. So needless to say both of our families are up in CT losing it right now.

Please send prayers for peace of mind, courage and understanding to my/our families. My cousin leaves behind-a wife and 3 kids. One of which, the 11 year old girl, responeded to the whole situation by saying...'I am just going to be strong cause I know that is what my father would want. I just wish I knew why it had to be my daddy.' Talk about my heartbreaking all over again.

Anyhoo, I have no idea how long I will gone. But those who really need to reach me know how. Thanks in advance for your love.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Fairytale

I have never really been big on Valentine's Day (That might be because I have only had one in my whole life) But in the spirit of the day, I decided to provide the first glimpse into my girlie side. So here is a piece.

Fairytale

He touched me without using his hands
Made love to me with only his eyes and
Kissed me with his words
He looked deep, saw the inner me and marveled at her beauty

He understood that my over confidence
Supplicates my fragility and
My aloofness serves as a panacea for pain
Daily he made love to my mind
With the same intensity used nightly on my body
When things got tough, he loved me harder
Making loving him that much easier
He complicated my life
Yet it all made sense

He changed the path
Held out his hand
And I followed blindly
He safe guarded me with his arms
Protected me with his eyes
Eased me with his words

He caused me to shake my head
Cause he was typically
Untypical of the
Typical man

He loved me in a different way
For different reasons
Yet in everyway
For every reason
And would show it in anyway
For any reason

He was my favorite love song at 2 in the morning
My surprise sweet sixteen
He was a perfect Saturday afternoon
Complete with cool breeze and cold lemonade

Y’all, this man was my recipicol
All I was
And all I ever wanted to be
He was complete
With infinite possibilities for growth

He made me look at
Yesterday with nostalgia
Today with purpose
Tomorrow with anticipation

He bought to life the giddy daydreams
Of a young school girl
And embodied the sensual, sexual fantasies
Of a grown woman

His absence made time stand still
And caused nothing to even matter
His presence sent time flying
And gave everything some sort of purpose

He kept me grounded
While taking me to cloud nine
He gave me hope and renewed my faith that love was indeed real
Y’all the man was everything,
Everything,
He was my fairytale.


Thursday, February 10, 2005

Wonder Woman

For the longest I have thought about setting this site up and now that I have done it I find it impossible to organize my thoughts. But here goes..


I have recently gone into another one of my introspective stages. That means that my current hobby is inspecting and dissecting myself. This process has given new life to one of a young girl’s icon—Wonder Woman.

Growing up in Baltimore I was pretty much a tomboy, which meant that my Tonka trucks, petrified army men and Transformers were numbers 1-3 on my list of favorite toys. The next seven spots typically were filled with educational toys. That knocked Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake and the rest of ladies right out of the top ten and placed them in the back of my closet. But there was one ‘girlie’ thing that could catch my attention and hold it-that was Wonder Woman. She could kick a dude’s ass, force him to tell the truth and still make him want to kiss her. (at some point and time I have wanted to do at least one of those to just about every man I know) And as kid I wanted to be her. I had my mother buy everything Wonder Woman-outfit, lunchbox even underwear. I was fascinated. Back then I was trying be Wonder Woman for the same reasons my cousins were pretending to be Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts—I just wanted to be bigger than myself. I wanted to have it all and be affected by nothing.

Now after twenty years have rolled by and my entrance into my late twenties is only two and half weeks away I find that I am newly fascinated with Wonder Woman, or better yet becoming one in my own mind and actions. I am moved toward that childlike belief in myself. You know when you achieve all things and fail at nothing. It’s the kind of belief that makes you look at the game when things do go wrong and figure out a way to change the rules cause after all you always win.

My looks in the mirror reminded me of myself as child, of how convinced I once was that I was the best at everything. As far as I was concerned I could beat anyone in a foot race, wrestle the biggest dude on the playground, get the highest score on a test and still be the cutest girl in class on picture day. I knew it, it showed so everyone else believed it. And why wouldn’t they, I was Wonder Woman.

So why wasn’t I applying my old Wonder Woman mentality to my adult life? Why was I allowing my mind to be full of self-defeating thoughts? Well I knew the old school yard items wouldn’t apply today, so I thought about how could I be a Wonder Woman in my current stage in life. I created my own formula. I determined that I would need to have the perfect blend of strength and sexuality, confidence and fragility, intellect and faith. I would need to know I could do all things a man could do, but still enjoy the fact that I am not one and accept the fact that I need one. I’d have to know what I felt, understand why I felt and not be ashamed of how I felt. I would need to be motivated by challenges and obstacles. Basically, I would have to believe I’m the best and enjoy when someone calls me on it.

I thought about these things and they really weren’t that complicated. But I guess most things independently aren’t complicated, it’s the spin and perception we put on things that makes them seem to be bigger than they actually are. Just like Wonder Woman and most superheroes are just average folks in cool costumes, it’s the costumes and people’s perception that make them bigger than what they are. So instead of putting the symbolic costume on the things in my life, I will put it on my actual life and once again believe I am bigger than myself and the best at all things.

Should things go wrong along the way, I’ll just do as I did as a child and change the rules. Heck, it’s my life. And who is going to question me anyway—I’ll be Wonder Woman.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Relationship Keepsakes

As I tie up the loose ends on what I consider to be my first real relationship in a number of years, I struggle. I struggle with myself trying to make sure I don't end up adding my very own chapter to the Diary of An Angry Black Woman, because like most of the women I know I could very easily add a few chapters to this book. They might read something like this:

Chapter 1: Oh no he didn't?
Chapter 2: What the hell do I look like? He must think I am stupid.
Chapter 3: Me vs. Her. How did he go from Suga to Shit?

But I digress....

So one day last week I got into my 'Phuck A Man' mode and before I knew it I was running down all the things that were ever wrong with every dude I have ever dealt with in my entire life. I started remembering everything from the dude who would cut me off during conversations to the dude who couldn't keep it up. And the more I thought I found myself getting pissed and angry and bitter.

But then I thought about the bitter women I know, both young and old and decided I would not allow myself to become a member of that squad. So once I decided I didn't want to be a contributing author to the Bitter Bitch Handbook, (cause that is really all it is) I decided to figure out what positive things have I taken from the men I have let near my heart. Some were boyfriends and some were 'special friends' but they are all irreplaceable in my life. So here they are......

(And remember this list consists of ONLY the good)

The High School BF 1st boyfriend, 15-16 yrs old. He gave me my first real appreciation for hip-hop and showed me how far a dude will go if he wants to be with you.

The Teenage Sweetheart: 16-18. He gave me a rather pleasurable first sexual experience and always made sure he kissed me with lots of passion. I never felt more sexy and desirable then when I was with him.

The College Boo: 18-22. He showed me two very important things: 1) When a man tells you what he is capable of, believe him. and 2.) Friendship can be a powerful tie to a person.

The College Boo Part Duex: 21-23. (Yeah some of them overlap, so what?) He showed me how a true and complete gentleman behaves. I was always a priority and that was truly major.

The Replenisher: 23-24. He renewed my faith that love was real and reminded me how good it feels to allow myself to truly feel.

The Teacher: 25. He showed me that I had to capability to compromise and helped me to appreciate the fragile side of being a woman.

So these are six of the men who have impacted my life and heart and even though there was a lot of good and a lot of bad with each, I will choose to focus on the good. And I will remember this each time I want to go into 'Phuck A Man" mode. This is my list of Relationship Keepsakes.

What positive can you take from past relationships? What is on your Relationship Keepsake list?




Monday, February 07, 2005

Maiden Entry

Wow! I cant believe I finally did it. I finally got myself up and running on my very own blog. I must pay homage to the folks who encouraged (Tazzee), inspired (Clarissa, Tisha & Bomani) and bitched at me until I had no other choice but to share some writings (Pam, Kendra). Thanks folks, in the words of Tupac--You are appreciated.

I haven't quite worked out the format for this yet. Don't know how often I am gonna post or even what the hell I am going to post. But I was kinda excited and couldn't wait to post something. Sometimes I might post short stories, lessons learned, random thoughts or maybe even some poetry. For those of you who don't like the sentimental, mushy poetry- sorry but that is mostly all I have. That is how I express my girlie side.

So my maiden post is just a bunch of ramblings. But I sure am excited to have a way to get these ramblings out of me. Whew!!!!

I should have a full post by tomorrow. Thanks again folks.